Feeling No Romance
One of the most challenging aspects of having a spouse who is less than romantic is that every single “traditionally romantic” event in a relationship is a rather large hurdle. We develop these expectations and when they’re not met, we’re left in that awkward position of gracefully being appreciative and yet at the same time acknowledging that what just happened was not what you wanted. Eventually, we conclude my husband is not affectionate or romantic, and we go on feeling frustrated and unfulfilled.
When I first moved to the United States as a little girl, my very first American Disney movie was The Little Mermaid. After seeing Prince Eric, I was done. Hook. Line. Sinker. I fell in love with the concept of Prince Charming, romance, and being swept off of my feet. Even as a grown woman who is confident, independent, and working in a very male-dominated field, I still love romance. Give me a romantic comedy and I can guarantee you there will probably be a small flood of tears. Love, romance… the whole shebang is my favorite. The problem is that Prince Charming and the plot of a Nicholas Sparks book are not reality. Ugh, I so wish they were. However, that does not mean we should give up on romance! Instead, we have some helpful suggestions on curbing your idea of romance and helping your spouse be more romantic. A win-win for everyone!
When You Feel Your Husband is Distant and Not Affectionate
Before we dive into anything, this has got to be your number one rule–be realistic. I married a Marine. His concept of a romantic date night is vastly different from mine. The possibility of him creating a date night to rivals that of The Bachelor is not going to happen. I love the grandeur and splendor of things like that but it’s important to realize that comparison is the thief of joy. In The Bachelor, you’ve got a whole staff of crew members designing these things. Yes, a TEAM of people who sit down and think up the most romantic things humanly possible. Your poor spouse doesn’t have access to that! That’s not how dating works for most people. So if you’re feeling like, my husband is not affectionate or romantic, check your expectations and where they are coming from. You have to go into this realizing that your spouse is imperfect and he is trying his best. On the flip side, your spouse has to realize that he or she needs to put forth effort when it comes to romance because it’s important to you. It’s also important to note that comparing yourself to other couples is a dangerous path to go down. Some folks are naturally romantic and that is awesome for their spouse; however, each couple comes with their unique challenges. Waving your phone in your spouse’s face, attempting to show him a romantic gesture that you saw off of someone’s Instagram isn’t going to help the situation. Instead, it will make sure your spouse feels guilty or bad about himself and that’s not the purpose of this exercise. We’re all about strengthening your marriage!
1. Understand Love Languages
If you as a couple haven’t tackled your love languages, pick up a copy of The 5 Love Languages. This is a fabulous resource for helping both of you identify what your love language is and how you prefer to be loved. If you have been thinking, “My husband is not affectionate or romantic” you could benefit from getting to know your spouse better. Recognizing their love language can be a great, eye-opening way to do this!
My husband’s involves acts of service and I love giving, whether it’s giving gifts or receiving them. This is important to understand. While my husband appreciates receiving gifts from me, that’s not his love language. He would much rather have me clean out the bathrooms before the weekend or cleaning out the yard so he doesn’t have to do any of those chores. If we switched the scenario, I don’t notice those things as he does so I appreciate receiving flowers from him more than having him clean out the dishwasher. Everyone is different in this area, so take the time to identify and appreciate those differences.
2. The Fix for Lack of Affection in Relationship
Now that your spouse recognizes your love language, set him or her up for success by identifying ways to show those acts of love. It may be helpful to create a tangible list of ideas or to develop a system of helping him or her realize the things that you like. Communication is important here and I highly recommend just being forthright. For example, I email and text my husband links of ideas that I think are cute, or date nights that I think would be fun. I’m pretty sure he has a ton of saved emails with links to potential gift ideas.
You also have an amazing resource at your fingertips right now –The Dating Divas! If you have been thinking, my husband is not affectionate or romantic, be proactive and give him resources to help! One of the BEST tips for giving your spouse reminders to fix the lack of affection in relationship is to sign up for the 10-Minute Marriage Challenge! He will have ideas texted right to his phone! Or if your spouse is interested, he can sign up for the email updates and newsletter. One of my favorite aspects of those emails is that they include quick bits of information on date night ideas and many of them are so easy to set up. Create conversations in which both of you discuss what you expect out of your relationship. If romance is important to you, make sure your spouse understands this. Be direct and be proactive in helping him figure it out!
3. Stop Thinking, “My Husband is Not Romantic”
When your spouse does something remotely romantic, let him know! Don’t go on thinking, my husband is not affectionate or romantic, this is just a fluke. Let your partner know that you appreciate them and the effort that they put in. Remember our number one rule about being realistic– sometimes they’re going to mess things up and that’s okay! It’s really important to let them know that you care about them and appreciate their efforts. If you don’t, your spouse is going to feel discouraged. Trust me, that will take you ten steps back from where you want to be. Keep that line of communication open and definitely don’t forget to be romantic as well! Stop looking around thinking, “My husband is not affectionate or romantic.” That isn’t doing either of you any good! Readjust your expectations and be proactive in helping them figure out what exactly you want.
If you liked this post, definitely check out this cute DIY for a Hint Box. It’s truly perfect for a spouse who struggles with romance. We also have this amazing Ultimate Intimacy Pack with 12 different intimate date nights that are perfect throughout the year! If your spouse is interested in signing up for the Dating Divas’ Newsletter, send him or her to our website, www.thedatingdivas.com to sign-up! They can receive the 7 Days of Love Guide, perfect for helping your relationship understand how both of you preferred to be loved.
